He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
