she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
