I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
