My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
