he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize