saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
