remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
