I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
