Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
