He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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