So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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