I think I died a long time ago.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
