I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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