Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
