I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
