If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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