This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
