Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
