Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
