It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
