I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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