I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
