my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
