I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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