Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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