dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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