Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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