How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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