I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
