just tell him i said nine months
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize