new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
