I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
