I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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