Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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