Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
