i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
