Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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