Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
