Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
