Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
