Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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