I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
