She is in my trunk
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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