Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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