my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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