Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
