If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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