I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
