i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
