I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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