Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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