Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
