You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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