sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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