shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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