The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
