Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
