you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize