I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
