WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
