All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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