I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
