I just threw up on my dentist
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
