i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
