you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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